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This Entry is Rated:
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01/24/07 | 2:38AM
Verizon Tech Servicers

SOME DUMB, SOME NUMB, SOME SCUM. But if you are an outcast with no friends and need loooong conversations with plenty of promises --- almost all of them lies --- so you can be a complete victim and maybe get on the Oprah show, or, Jerry Springer --- REJOICE! --- Verizon Help is here. In my imagination the following scenario plays:

Ring, ring, "Hello, this is Liars Anonymous."

Verizon personel manager: "Do you have many persons who have not graduated from Liars Anonymous? Who you think are hopeless"

Liars Anonymous: "Yes indeed."

Verizon: "Please announce to them that we have many job openings in our tech service department. We can hire liars much more cheaply than tech help."

Liars Anonymous: "But what if they have absolutely no technical skills?"

Verizon Personel Mgr.: "No problem; all they have to be able to do is say 'I'm Sorry, I'm going to put you on hold while examing your records --- is that OK? I'm sorry that I'm sorry about being sorry."'

Liars Anonymous: "Does anyone actually get their records examined?"

VPM: "Sometimes. After three of four eight-minute cycles 'I'm Sorry, please hold while I continue to examine your records, etc.' we switch them to someone who has a little training. This weeds out the impatient or quick-tempered customers; they hang-up and quit bothering us with their petty problems."

Liars Anonymous "What happens when they get to the barely competant techie?"

VPM: "After three or four apologies and being sorry that the customer has waited on hold for so long, BUT, if you could just wait on hold (with really irritating music), we do a low-level check of the customer's problem." There was a slight pause and then the VPM sdded, "And the new techie asks the customer the exact same questions again, beginning with name, phone number, another phone number (in case we get cut off), etc., etc., ad nauseum) The three or four 8-minute holds are repeated. This section usually rids us of the bothersome customers who have a life and/or a job. They can't afford to wait"

Liars Anonymous: "Wow, you really have that down pat! If they continue to wait during this weeding-out period, do they finally get a qualified techie?"

VPM: "Usually. But, they must go through the original questionaire of name, address, etc. We need to keep them off-guard and inferior so as to keep them compliant --- in case this techie cannot solve the problem - they can imply it's the costomer's fault because they mis-spelled their name or some other disasterous event. By now, the techie is up to 'I'm VERY SORRY' at least once a minute --- and each 'hold' is increased to 10-12 minutes. Only then can the techie announce that the problem is really in the billing (or any other) department and that they will transfer him. Please Hold While We Transfer You"

Liars Anonymous: "What happens if the customer really gets pissed? Wants to report the run around?"

VPM: "We put a little questionaire box on the customer's screen asking him to evaluate our performance. This allows him to blow off steam and calmes him down. No one reads these files; they go immediately to the trash because we don[t want our personel to feel shame. Plus, we never give out a REPLY phone number or REPLY email. That way a customer can never get back to any of the personel who gave them the shit."

Liars Anonymous: "What if we do not have enough slimey persons to fill your vacancies?

VPM: "We are contacting disbarred lawyers and busted used-car salesmen to fill our needs!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Verizon will keep a file on all of your calls, so be polite but forceful. (I am listed as a potentially troublesome customer in my file) After your first call series you can skip steps 1& 2 by insisting on SUPERVISOR. The ultimate step is that you want to find out how to file a Consumer Complaint. That usually gets action.
Time Started
Name (or employee number)
Time(s) an hold and for how long each
Repeat for each transfer they subject you to
Request that they cease apologizing and say "I know its not YOUR fault" for increased bonding.HA!

- Verizon H8er ID: C255CE

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