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This Entry is Rated:
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06/27/07 | 1:19AM
As a member of the family...

Ever order a nice baked tilapia that flakes when you touch it with your fork, a lemon wedge, baked potato, and end up getting served-up a fucking leather boot with gravy on it instead?

That's what it's like working there. Let me tell you, GOD TELL IT ON THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN, this is how it really is.

As someone who is a self-proclaimed workaholic, I went into this business with high hopes of being able to hack it as a customer service representative. I mean, how hard can it really be? I want phone service, ok, let's flip some switch or something, yeah, cool, done. Fuck no! You're suddenly whisked through a couple of months of training which, mind you, seems pretty damn good, but it's nothing, because:


If you don't pay close fucking attention, you'll never get to learn the material... that is, unless they like you. Did I mention that customer service representatives aren't customer service representatives? This is where the leather boot comes into play. The typical work day consists of unmanageable coworkers, their fucking awful attitudes and judgemental comments, required "four questions" that must be asked on every call (correction: it's offered, now, no matter what,) followed-by crazy fucking cigar-sucking used car salesman quotas.

As someone who is/was known as a major pushover on the phones, a softy, I will say that I'm quickly developing an unwanted reputation of being an asshole. Yeah, I am a Verizon asshole. Imagine being cut loose onto a live sales floor (it's a sales job, mind you), getting calls ranging from bill questions, to buried cables, to people wanting to speak to the cell phone company, to wanting a telephone directory, to dead air calls (all of which are about 80% misdirected calls) and, no matter what they fucking say, you have to offer them products.

Let's play scenario, kids:

"Thank you for calling Verizon, this is fuckass, may I please have your telephone number, beginning with the area code?"

"48274. The telephone number is 555-134-4928"

(Thanks for the zipcode, moron.) "What is your name, please?"


"How's it going, Gil?"

"Horrible! Your company scheduled me for an 8:00am appointment to have work done, no one showed up, no call was made, I actually used a vacation day for this shit, and now I'm fucking pissed. Can ANYTHING be done?"

"Well, since we have to reschedule for a technician to come out there, it's going to be another week and a half. How about some shitty satellite television instead?"

"I'd settle for DSL."

"Nope, not available, but we sure fuckin got dialup!"

"No. Well, maybe, yeah, since I got unlimited local & long distance, sure why not... at least it's something."

"No, you can't have it with the unlimited local & long distance. But we can put you on a different plan charging you for every minute you use, then really grease your cornhole a little better by charging you $100 for a phone jack. How's that sound, buttercup?"

"Ok. Bill me."

That's a typical call. Let me say that I'm not a bad person, I'm actually a pretty kind-hearted and well-intended guy, but when I go to work TO WORK and not make friends, that violates the code of conduct. Verizon is about cliques (teams, I mean), and if your sales aren't record-setting, and if you haven't fucked enough old ladies up the ass by selling them CONTRACT television (DirecTV) that they don't want or need, then you're an idiot, moron, crazy, insane, etc. I've been called all these things.

I get called them daily. Mind you, I give the customers what they want, bitch & I'll credit your fucking account, I don't care, I'm ashamed you had to deal with what you did in the first place, since (WORKING FOR THE FUCKING PHONE COMPANY), I can't even tell what number you're calling in from. I can't even tell what your running balance is. I have to see the same bill you'd see once it's cycled. How humiliating. No matter, though, to the coworkers and managers, I try too hard and just don't get the right idea, from what I'm told.

So, I play ball... I sell and sell and sell; Hell, my incentives are so great that I make the team members so jealous, now I'm being investigated by security for "cheating" on sales. Ironically, mine are all ethical and I won't sell to an old lady who is confused or doesn't understand.

God bless you, Verizon. Suck the corn out of my shit, you fucking hack of a fortune 500 company. Goddamnit now I need a drink.

- Verizon H8er ID: 6E4BB5

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